Posts (page 2)

As soon as I finished reading Hano's post on writing a letter to her child yet to be born (which I thought really cute ^^), I planned to pirate her idea. But then as I opened again my old journals, I found similar thing which then I translated, after several changes, as follows: 

Dear Sofia,
There’s a picture of you and me in a morning clarity, Sofia. You’re sitting on my lap by the window that we’re bathed in the warm morning sunlight. As I kiss your hair every now and then, it smells of fruit-scented shampoo and your body of telon baby oil. I say you’re really sweet and cute like candy. In the pink outfit, now you’re a perfect strawberry-flavored candy.

I’m reading you an old story book entitled ‘Faraway.’ My father gave it to me, now that I’m too old for such a story book, I’ll give it to you. It’s covered in red and white and there’s a picture of an Indian chief sitting crossed-legged. As always, you’re grilling me with the questions on the feathers on the Indian’s head. I’m working out on the answers but then you can always find new questions to ask. Your favorite is ‘The Fox and The Cock’ because you really like it when I say ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo! How do you doodle do!’ as the proud cock in the story. You’d laugh and say it’s really funny. Your laughter is funny.

What a peaceful scene to be in such a morning, Sofia. How I’m absorbed in your mind that turns to be not that simple. There’s something thrilling in the way you laugh every time I tickle your waist.

There’ll come the time when you have to stand on your own and experience the world, Sofia. ‘Mengalami dunia’ is a phrase I excerpted from Sitok Srengenge’s ‘Homo Ludens.’ You’ll deal with agony, anxiety, fear – ‘minor texts,’ a fellow traveler once said to me. But they’ll all make you, as they did to me. You’ll spell a text called Life and how I’d love to be the one to introduce you to the letters.

Maybe I’ll just show you the door. What’s behind it – every secret, possibility, and fear will be yours to adventure.

And always, I’ll worry you from a distance.

Silently.

Sofia sayang,
Ada sebuah gambar tentang kita berdua dalam sebuah pagi yang jernih, Sofia. Kau duduk di pangkuanku di tepi jendela. Tubuh kita bermandi cahaya pagi yang hangat. Sesekali aku membaui rambutmu yang wangi shampoo aroma buah dan tubuhmu yang bau minyak telon. Kubilang padamu, kamu manis dan lucu seperti permen. Dengan baju warna pink itu, berarti sekarang kamu jadi permen rasa stroberi.

Aku membacakanmu sebuah buku cerita lama berjudul ‘Faraway.’ Ayahku memberikannya padaku. Karena aku sudah terlalu tua untuk buku cerita anak-anak, aku akan memberikannya padamu. Buku itu bersampul merah putih dengan gambar seorang Indian sedang bersila. Dan kau tak henti-hentinya bertanya tentang bulu-bulu di kepala Indian itu. Aku selalu mengupayakan jawaban sebisaku tetapi kamu selalu menemukan pertanyaan baru. Favoritmu berjudul ‘The Fox and The Cock’ karena kamu suka ketika aku mengucapkan ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo! How do you doodle do!’ menirukan suara jago yang sok cakep itu. Kamu ketawa dan bilang kedengarannya lucu. Ketawamu juga lucu.

Betapa kedamaian selalu menyelimuti kita pada pagi yang semacam ini, Sofia. Betapa aku terserap ke dalam pikiranmu yang mulai tidak sederhana. Ada sesuatu yang sangat menyenangkan dengan caramu tertawa ketika jari-jariku menggelitiki pinggangmu.

Kelak kau akan mengalami dunia, Sofia. ‘Mengalami dunia’, frase yang kukutip dari ‘Homo Ludens’ Sitok Srengenge. Kau akan mengalami duka, cemas, gentar – ‘teks-teks minor’ seorang kawan seperjalanan berkata. Tapi semua itu akan menjadikanmu, seperti juga padaku. Kau akan mengeja dan menafsirkan hidup, barangkali akulah yang mula-mula akan mengenalkan huruf-hurufnya padamu. Barangkali aku hanya akan menunjukkan pintu. Apa yang ada di balik pintu itu, setiap rahasia, kemungkinan, dan ketakutan akan menjadi wilayah jelajahmu sendiri.

Dan selalu, aku akan mencemaskanmu dari kejauhan.

Diam-diam. 

It's always You I pursue.
It's always You.
I don't care with the rest.

It’s another cultural adventure, everyone. 

This time it’s a play entitled ‘Republik Anthurium’ performed by Teater Tetas and directed by AGS. Arya Dipayana. In Jogja it’s performed on April 22-23 in Gedung Societet (I went there last night).

I think the distinctive part of this play is the choreography that fills up the entire performance. From the beginning to the ending, the audience were enthralled with such a rich performance that not only presented a ‘sketch’ on the hectic nowadays life that might awake us with a new perspective but was also full with well-arranged, sometimes acrobatic, movements.

The characters on the play were all clad in similar fashion in which the distinction in gender, social class, race and the like seems to blur. If only I had a camera, maybe I could show you all what they’re like. Well, they wore loose trousers and upper piece that just looked absurd which I think really best represented the unknown easily-instigated mass the whole play was about.

The play began with some people making weird gestures as they froze and then the gestures changed several times. And then I found it difficult to follow the plot. But maybe plot was not what the play emphasized. It’s all about, as mentioned in the synopsis, a sketch of a country in which issue, Anthurium used as a metaphor, built the order. An Anthurium was passed on from one people to the next, first with ignorance but then with amazement. I think it depicts the way people are easily driven to follow an issue.

In one scene, three couples were having discussion. A couple of women were discussing a whitening product. One of them said, ‘white skin is not everything but everything is nothing without white skin.’ Haha. What do you think of such lunacy? Meanwhile, the couple in the middle were chatting on global warming and the other one on politics. Y’know, discussion like whether to join a political party or to abstain. Such superabundant ideas that potentially stir up the entire society!

I found myself shivering as some characters were marching and then together they pronounced sort of ambitious self-motivating words as: ‘I have to gain it, as everybody is on the same race,’ ‘I have to win,’ …I mean it’s just so much reminiscent of our hectic everyday life in which everything is one big competition. Students go to school/college but run a survey to find out how many of them who do it because they really pursue intellectuality instead of graduation certificate to ‘guarantee’ their future. Even my own academic tutor thinks I’m a sort of raw material to be processed in a giant industry called education and then stored in the labor market. She once criticized my attitude and said I wouldn’t make any job interview because I seemed clumsy and sometimes gave wrong (or unpleasant?) answers to her questions. She didn’t seem to care that maybe I attended classes because I really needed to know something.

I’m not blaming those who study for the sake of succeeding this whole job competition thing because here we are, in the system that demands us to understand it all as competition. But maybe everything just should be a part of our anxiety, that something definitely goes wrong.

I think Republik Anthurium is another cultural adventure that really enriches my insight. It marked the third time I went to Societet for a play after ‘Lenggok’ produced by Teater Retorika (Faculty of Philosophy of Universitas Gadjah Mada) and ‘Sampek Engtay’ by Teater Koin (Faculty of Economics of Universitas Islam Indonesia).

Anyway, I was given a publication leaflet of the next play. The title is 'Camar,' adapted by Gunawan Maryanto from Anton Chekov's "The Seagull." Studio Banjarmili, April 29-30, 2008 at 8 pm. The word 'Gratis!' which means 'for free' suddenly seduced me right in the economy spot somewhere in my brain :p. Interested, anyone? (This question is particularly addressed to my dear fellow Indonesian Vox neighbors^^)

What do you do EVERY day to take care of the earth's environment? What could you do more of?

I ride on my bicycle everyday and try to use water and electricity efficiently. I also try to persuade people in my neighborhood not to dispose their garbage in the river but it's not easy because the garbage truck doesn't reach our place and the river just seems to be the most reasonable and reachable place to throw away everything.

what's truth to you
when you teach me fear
that intrudes me to my very unconscious mind
and there emerges the obedience of my robotic body
what's love to you
when you get both my hands bound
and my mouth gagged
and you pretend to speak on my behalf

when despair culminates
i scream out the silence

padahal habis maiyahan. spiritnya sih dapet. tapi kenapa rasanya sendirian ya. aku seperti sesuatu yang tercerabut. lalu mencari-cari permukaan untuk sekedar menjadi tempat berpegang.
seseorang dari sebuah 'lingkaran' yang aku pernah masuk di dalamnya (yang tak kujumpai entah berapa bulan) mengirimiku teks sms 'tausiyah' tentang bahwa orang yang beriman tidak akan merasa cemas dan ragu dan selalu merasakan keberadaan-nya. sort of.
i think my life is a constant process of reconciling contradicting sides within me. ngono kuwilah. sok dong ngunyeng dhewe ra jelas. aku ini semacam kumpulan pikiran-pikiran gelap dan jernih yang saling bertukar-tukar. ekstrimnya, di satu jurnal yang sangat-sangat lama ternyata aku pernah menulis sesuatu yang sangat gelap seperti: god, are you merely fantasy i'm working out to vanquish my uncertainty? wis, po ora edan tenan kuwi. tapi kadang juga ada saat yang jernih itu saat aku merasakan-nya begitu karib, mungkin seperti ketika evey dalam v for vendetta berujar: 'god is in the rain..'
banyak orang yang berkomentar aku ini lucu. membuatku begitu terharu. maksudku, di antara semua predikat yang mungkin disandang makhluk sejagat raya ini, aku mendapat 'lucu'? ternyata aku yang ancur-ancuran tidak jelas ini bisa bikin orang senyum? seperti tertimpa berkah bertumpuk-tumpuk dan aku cuma terkapar tak berdaya dengan bahagia rasanya. dan betapa aku sendiri pun begitu cinta bagian diriku yang sanguinis itu.
hanya saja, kadang tiba masa seperti saat ini. merasa sendirian meski di ruangan ini ramai banget. rasanya pingin berdendang keras-keras biar efek sendiriannya gak segitunya amat.
sekarang sih aku sudah lewat fase mempertanyakan tuhan ada apa gak. itu benar2 perkara pengalaman yang sangat privat dan subjektif. aku ra ngurus kowe percaya pa ora. wong ya ra perlu ngerti aku percaya pa ora.
hehe, aku janjane rapopo kok. rasane rodo lego sithik nulis iki. ora kaya mau pas ngetik paragraf pisanan.
neng maiyah mau ki cak nun takon ngene: gusti allah ki adil po ora? nek adil, janjane gusti allah ki perlu adil po ora?
maksudnya, manusia selalu melihat ke-adil-an tuhan itu dari perspektifnya sendiri. yo, menungsa sih. kon piye maneh. misale, mikir wong kae uripe penak kok aku ora, padahal aku sregep ngibadah gek dheknen senengane dugem ra nggenah. padhahal nek dipikir-pikir, perlune apa gusti allah kudu nggawe awake dhewe urip mulya. padha ro liyane misale. gusti allah arep nggawe  wake dhewe njungkel njempalik saiki ya isa. gusti allah ora nduwe perlu ro wake dhewe.
tapi, ia, aku bercermin pada diriku sendiri saja, masih membuatku bertahan hingga detik ini. bertahan. nggersula, sih nggersula. tapi masih bertahan. tidakkah itu sesuatu yang luar biasa? ia masih menyisipkan inspirasi bahwa hidupku berharga dan selalu terbuka untuk berbagai macam kemungkinan.
ia tidak membutuhkanku, tapi satu-satunya yang selalu mencintaiku.
 
hehe, saiki aku wis wani nulis sing vulgar-vulgar neng kene. maksute, nek nggo aku kuwi kabeh wis vulgar banget. mungkin semacam keberanian untuk menjadi diriku sendiri.
goro-goro maiyahan, dadi boso jowo ngene. gek fonem 'nglegena' ora ditulis 'a' ning 'o' meneh. bapakku sing rodo fanatik boso jowo (ning anehe ra tau ngajari anak-anakke boso) isa muring-muring. hiks...kangen bapakku ki. suwe ora diskusi ro dheknen. hubungan kami sedang bermasalah.

yoh, wislah. waton cengengesan rak kabeh mesthi apik-apik wae.

What would you like to do more of?

Interacting with a lot more people regardless of their race, culture, belief, political affiliation, and the like. And, well, reading. Several days ago I downloaded many e-books. I've got several Freud, Nietzsche, Tagore, and children (??) fictions such as: The Secret Garden, The Little Prince, etc. Can't wait to devour all of 'em. I'm currently reading Tagore's Fruit Gathering. I think it's magnificent and inspiring. I'll write about it later.

Still, I'm wondering if it's against the copyright law. Is it?

As early rays raise the morning warmth
and birds twitter in a gallant choir
Don't contain every particle of hope
'cause look!
It's leaking and bursting into excitement

Home have I come
Rustling leaves greet me intimately
as drops of peace pour down on me
so I'm drenched in the intimacy
For whatever worst possibility it may become
I'm celebrating my liberty.

                                  September 22, 2007

i never mean to reveal any secret once trusted to me by writing this.
but it's just that i feel so fed up with everything.

someone from the 'circle' is trying to pull me back in (no need to ask me where).
said i couldn't.
i've made up my mind.
i'm just sick and tired of living in the tension between the struggle of 'being me' and the obedience subtly forced on me.
she lectured me again about the importance of being united in order to gain the islam victory (sort of).
yada yada yada.
i told her i had been so fed up being merely mass taken advantage of.
i had been fed up with the fact that truth is defined by those with power.
she didn't seem to get me.

i'm exhausted.
don't know where i belong but my very self.

among 'them' i'm the unfaithful.
but among many people outside 'them' i'm the righteous girl in hijab supporting polygamy and easily judging different people as infidel (which i'm not).
i know some good friends don't judge me by the way i look, but many of the rest do.

i'm writing all this here because this is the only space i think 'they' can't reach me.
(very few Indonesians blog in Vox, I think)

i'm courageous enough, though.
i just need a room to breath.
*sighs*

What do you love about where you live?
Submitted by Emu with a Clue.

The Neighborhood. There's not much to tell about the view, it's just an ordinary urban area in Jogja with densed population consisting mainly of lower-class people. They live in small rent houses. Sometimes several families share the same roof. Some families live nearby a highly polluted river. But the togetherness is great. Whenever it rains and I'm not at home, my neighbors always try to save whatever I dry on the clothesline. There's always something warm in the way they greet me.